A different Place of Maturity
Independence is one of those tricky concepts that seem to have a double standard. Is the state of autonomy good, or is it wrong? After all, one may reason, aren't I learning how to be independent from babyhood all the way up to adulthood? I shouldn't forever remain dependent on mom and dad, or my teachers for the decisions I must make in life. The continued premise is that isn't maturity defined as the state of independence, the point where I can finally accomplish the tasks of living on my own?
Webster defines independence as "not subject to control by others", "self-governing," "not looking to others for one's opinions or for the guidance of one's conduct," "refusing to accept assistance or to be under obligation to others," "showing a desire for freedom and absence of constraint." It is observed by this definition that there are benefits to independence, but upon closer inspection, there are also liabilities.
A benefit, for example, politically speaking, is where a country may desire to be free from the rule of an unscrupulous dictator and seek freedom from unjust governing. The passion of the people is to be free from subjection to unfavorable control by this leader. Therefore, the people orchestrate a plan to be released from the dictator's constraints. Aiming for freedom from unjust rule seems noble and natural. Pursuing independence, even at the cost of potentially losing one's life, maybe considered heroic and right. Even America celebrates "Independence Day" as a national holiday for freedom from the "British Crown."
But what are the liabilities from forfeiting your right to request guidance or assistance from others? Is it as much fun to reach the top of the mountain by yourself, or is there more joy in bringing others along to celebrate the accomplishment with you? Can the camaraderie of others be an asset to your achievements? You may feel that you don't need others to come with you, consider that no one makes it to the top on their own.
In many situations, the premise of independence as being the pinnacle of maturity and higher self-actualization is not accurate. This idea has been unconsciously adopted and brought carelessly into our lives while being exalted and leaving no room for interdependence.
Can you think of a time when you did not look to another for their opinion or guidance on an important decision? Isn't it said that there is "wisdom in the counsel of many"? What have been some liabilities for you when you charged forward with an independent decision while forfeiting the counsel of others? Additionally, did you require assistance from others in any way, even if the decision was your own?
For example, if you began a new business, did you need financial assistance? Did family or friends have to adjust in any manner to this decision? Perhaps you accepted a new position out of state. Did you elicit consultation with others before leaping? Are you a teenager, have you consulted with anyone as to career choice, which college to attend, or which job to accept?
Asking for other opinions, accepting assistance, showing a desire for the counsel of various individuals, are all ways of being "interdependent." Looking for guidance is a way of being wise and mature, by showing a disciplined mind that does not merely run headlong into a choice that may not be the best decision after further consideration. Obtaining consultation, accepting ideas and perspectives other than your own, analyzing the input, and then choosing an option may ensure a better outcome than expected.
Webster defines interdependence as "to depend upon one another." Look deep into this perspective and have a willingness to see the good in this philosophy. Wisdom does not merely occur in a vacuum. Gathering data, researching the work of different people and dialoguing, can be exciting and highly rewarding. Everything that brings us to the point of "independence" was imparted to us through the help of others.
Why reject dialogue and input in our lives at some arbitrary point as a generous measure of maturity? Usually, that "arbitrary" point is at the place where some respected person in our lives has let us down. Or it may be when we turned 18 years old and no longer believed that we needed guidance. Whatever the defining moment, check yourself to see if you may have limited your support systems due to a difference of opinion from one of your respected mentors.
Begin from this moment to forgive the insult or oversight from whoever caused a breach in your relationship and catapulted you into independent reasoning. Take the initiative to trust again, discover people who can be wise friends and consultants in your life, and mature to a new place of interdependence.
Maturity is the ability to respond to the environment being aware of the correct time and location to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in. Adult development and maturity theories include the purpose in life concept, in which maturity emphasizes a clear comprehension of life's purpose, directedness, and intentionality, which contributes to the feeling that life is meaningful. —definition from Wikipedia
Barbara Vetter, LPCC — Call now for a consultation: 330-620-1454